Thoughts on the Office Job

Oh, the elusive office job. Sitting at a desk in front of the computer all day. For some, it sounds like a boring nightmare. For others, a veritable paradise of unimaginable joys. For me, I fall squarely and completely on the latter. Heaven! Nothing would make me happier than sitting in front of my computer at work. Safe from the elements. Knees and hands doing the minimum amount of labor needed to complete my tasks. Bathrooms and refreshments mere footsteps away. Music playing quietly from a small, desk speaker. Pictures of family smiling back at me. Man, that sounds like the good life!

As I was racking my brain pre-Covid as to what I wanted to do and could do when my 25-year bar career ended, I kept running into the "Wall of Inexperience." What I wanted was a desk job. Somewhere. Anywhere. I didn't know where to look. And I didn't know what I was qualified to do. There was secretarial/personal assistant-type stuff. The State of North Carolina job board was full of them. That wasn't going to work. Everything in this area was low-paying. I couldn't afford to feed a growing family on those wages. And try as I did, I couldn't come up with a single option to get me behind a desk.

As good (or bad?) luck had it, I made a huge career pivot and started learning a new set of skills in hopes of landing the fabled  tech job. This was in November of 2019, right before Covid hit. Eleven months later, I landed a tech job. And not just any tech job. This was a tech job at none other than SAS! I suddenly found myself in an office with a computer and a real work email. And boy what an email! @sas.com. Talk about making it to the big leagues! I had jumped from behind the bar right into a cushy tech job on my first try. Only there was a catch. A fly in the ointment, if you will. Actually, I'd say there were several flies. The biggest was that we were in the midst of our first modern pandemic which had completely shut down the world. No one knew what to do. No one had policy or procedure set up to handle this. And no one knew how to onboard new hires during a pandemic. So I began my tech job and very quickly fell through every crack I came across. I was in a perpetual free fall from the get-go with no help, no guidance, no mentor, no support, and as it turned out, absolutely no concern for my well being at all. The work/life balance that was discussed, bragged about, cherished and coveted had an asterisk that wasn't visible until everyone went remote. Then it became "everyone for themselves, in the comfort of your own homes." Needless to say, a new hire with no tech experience who very badly needed a mentor during the super-bizarre Covid shutdown days, but never got one, isn't going to last long. I made it two years. Two whole years! Not bad for a rookie. Two years with no help, no guidance, basically jack shit, isn't half bad. The bad part was getting a taste of that salary, those benefits, all the perks that tech life brings, and then having it yanked away without any warning.

And again, I found myself without a desk, without an office. Well shit! This sucks! Now what? The tech companies were in a massive lay-off cycle. They had one spot to offer, and there were hundreds of applicants with way more experience than me. During the interview process, soft skills will only get you so far. And time and time again, after the last of four interviews was finished, I would get the call that they had gone with someone else. Someone with more experience. Frustrated, lost, I called out. I screamed. And the most unlikely of places answered. Fedex Express. Not only did they answer, they had me come in for a face-to-face interview. During Covid, no doubt. You old-timers like me know how much better a face-to-face interview is. Those of us with the gift of gab can really shine, unencumbered by the awkward pauses and stilted cadence of the video call. There was a catch, though. But it was one I knew about walking into the interview. They needed drivers. Couriers. With three small kids and no idea how to get back into tech, I took it. And for four years that job wrecked my body worse than 25 years behind the bar. Of course, all that time bartending on concrete floors for 12 hours a day put me in the condition I was in as a new driver. For four years, I got in and out of a truck 500+ times a week, in all kinds of weather, and carried boxes of various obnoxious weights to destinations within, or sometimes outside of, walking distance. You know, for some crazy reason, I loved it. The pain in my knees and hands sucked. With each passing week it got worse. I hurt a lot and all the time. Some days I limped to my stops. Some days I couldn't grip the boxes or even the steering wheel. But being by myself in my truck all day, cruising around listening to Phish shows or 80s-heavy playlists was awesome. I named my truck Scully. She and I had a blast! In many ways it reminded me of my high school days, cruising the streets of Fayetteville in my gold Pathfinder. Smoking cigarettes and listening to Dead bootlegs or one of my masterful mix tapes. No destination. No route. No cares. Just enjoying the tunes and the ride. Some might hate the constant driving, the stopping and starting, stop after never-ending stop, always chasing the clock. I loved it. But I knew my body wasn't going to last much longer. I knew this gig was coming to an end. And so I quietly began dreaming about my beloved desk job. I wanted my desk.

Friends, I so excited to report that I accepted a promotion at Fedex. I am now working at dispatch. I'm off the road. I'm in an office writing you from my desk. It took a freaking long time to get here! After all these long years, I'm finally home. I'm in an office. And not just any office. It is brand new, fully remodeled, fully updated. We moved in on Monday. Brand new fridge, microwave, Kuereg. Soon we'll have couches and a big flatscreen. We'll have our own conference table/area. And each office has two or three people in it. Each office handles certain stations. I'm with really good people, most around my age, with similar experiences, similar backgrounds and similar stories. In fact, one of my bosses is from Fayetteville. We know all the same spots. My father was even his sister's OB/GYN! Another co-worker is from Dunn, has kin all through Harnett county, and lives in Hope Mills. I finally have the office job I've always wanted. The one I've searched so hard for. With office parties, office pranks, office banter. I have a lot of responsibility, making sure all the routes and all the drivers from four different stations are safe, efficient, and set up for success. Making sure they get home safely to their families. I've worked at two of the stations I cover. I've run many of the routes I'm monitoring. I know the stops. I can tell drivers whether to go to the front or back. I know many of the drivers by name. I know many of the station managers personally. It is a crucial job at Fedex. Any given days success rests squarely on our shoulders. We put out the fires. We see and anticipate trouble and act accordingly, often with zero warning and no prep time. We've got to think quickly and act even quicker. There is tons to learn, tons to master, tons to know. I have to access multiple screens at any given time. I have to know where to look, and how to act once I get where I need to be. The learning curve is steep. The job is serious. But the approach is relaxed and hands on. The support is here. The mentoring is here. The guy training me was the main dispatcher I've dealt with the entire time I was on the road. He called me tow trucks when I broke down. He moved pickups when I was buried. He had my back. And I had his. When he needed help getting to a pickup for another driver, I always volunteered. Before my interview for the job, he called me to wish me luck. I walked into this new job already having a friend.

So here I am! I'm finally home! I know that this desk won't be suddenly yanked away. I know that I can put my family pictures and tchotchkes on my desk and not have to worry about moving them for a very long time. Man, does that feel good! It was a long, sometimes glorious, sometimes shitty road to get here. I had to put my head down and keep pushing, keep grinding, year after long year. Many, many times I all but gave up hope of ever finding my office. But as I comfortably sit at my brand-new desk, in front of my brand-new laptop, I can, with a big ole smile on my face, finally say hello from my desk at my office...